Five idiots you meet during Eid’s namaz

Yes, I know, it’s Eid, and I shouldn’t be talking ill about anyone, especially a fellow Muslim. But what can I say? I’m weak and pathetic and super annoyed at the following five people who have innate talents of getting on my nerves.

1. The Non-alignment Movement 
There is always that one person who has no clue whatsoever regarding the concept of kataars (rows). While everyone is lining up, trying to align shoulders and feet, he remains in his place oblivious to everything. And his place is either a foot ahead of everyone, or so much behind that the person behind him has to take as much care as possible during ruku so as not to bump his head on the idiot’s bum. Even if by Allah’s grace, he realises that he is out of position, he is too stubborn to admit his fault. He will then try to convince the others to move and start a new kataar, which results in everyone moving out of position and creating utter chaos.

2. The Impatient Patient
I enjoy listening to the khutbah, even if I don’t understand it. There is a strange symmetry among the sentences that leaves me intrigued. Thus, you can imagine my consternation when some moron breaks my concentration by getting up and leaving mid way. I suppose he has a bunch of valid reasons for his actions. Perhaps, he doesn’t know that khutbah is an intrinsic part of the namaz. Maybe, he has to catch a flight. Or maybe, his bowels regularly betray him.

3. The Moral Brigade 
This guy is loud. And he gets louder when he notices anyone talking or leaving during khutbah. He takes it upon himself to do all the reprimanding. He fails to notice that all that distraction he creates makes him just as bad as the previous guy. After he has had his full, he wears a proud look on his face as if to say, “I’m the only one who stands up for what is right.” I want to yell back at him, “Bite me!”

4. The Nauseating Flower
I think there should be a law on how much attar (perfume) you can apply. Yes, I like the smell of attar, and I know its importance too. But isn’t bathing in it a bit over the top? This person must have evolved an alternate breathing system because all that sweet fragrance leaves me suffocated. Moreover, he’ll try to rub some of it on you as a friendly gesture. Of course, you can’t refuse, and so you end up carrying that sick smell to the grave.

5. The Nawabzada
I hate this guy. He lives a few hundred metres from the Idgah. Yet, he never goes there by walking. He has to travel by a car, honking his brains out while doing so. And if people don’t move aside, he will glare at them, muttering something under his breath. He always has a smug look on his face that makes you want to punch him.

P.S. I played the role of the Nawabzada this time. I must admit, it’s quite fun. Giving people the red eye and muttering nonexistent phrases is hilarious. Muhahaha.

I know, I’m terrible.