So-called observations

Clueless Guys Dining

The guys are at a high-end restaurant. They have ordered some of the exotic dishes, and are waiting for the service.

ARUN: This thing always confuses me. Which one goes in the right hand? The fork or the knife?

MANJIT: The knife. Fork goes in the left hand.

ARUN: Then why does the spoon go in the right during dessert and stuff?

MANJIT: Because it’s dining etiquette.

IMRAN: I think it’s bullshit.

ARUN: Yeah, me too. I mean, I can understand the Western folks don’t do anything unclean with their left hands; so it doesn’t matter which hand they use. But we do. The unclean stuff I mean. Therefore, it makes sense that we reverse the etiquette and use the fork with the right hand.

MANJIT: Yes, but then, you won’t be able to apply enough force with your left hand for cutting the food.

IMRAN: Wait a minute. The western folks don’t use any hands for the unclean stuff?

ARUN: Well, yeah. They use toilet papers, don’t they?

IMRAN: I know that. But they still have to use their hands for the toilet paper, right? They don’t just go up to a toilet paper roll, turn around, and start rubbing their you-know-whats against it.

ARUN: I see your point. In that case, I suppose, their hands are equally dirty. So, again it doesn’t matter which one they use.

MANJIT: I think it’s hygienic. Hands are too dirty most of the times.

IMRAN: Oh please! Don’t give me that hygiene bullshit. We are Indians. We pride ourselves at being unhygienic. We are born unhygienic, and we stay that way. Hell, just a few minutes back I saw you were counting notes and licking your fingers to moisten them just after having picked your nose.

ARUN: Hahaha, in your face!

MANJIT: All right, all right. Maybe, we are not hygienic, but you cannot deny that there is a certain level of sophistication and class on display when you use cutlery.

IMRAN: Look around dude. Desis are the most classless people in this world. For instance, do you see that dude over there with the strange bun over his head?

(They look around to where Imran is pointing, and spot an Indian male with long hair tied in a bun, wearing a pair of shorts and a T-shirt that said “Chicago!”)

What is his problem? Why is he wearing shorts to a high-end restaurant? It’s not hot here. This is not Kailash ka Dhaba. There is air conditioning here. It’s like, “Dude, stop being an American wannabe. You are miles from being cool. Get some pants for god’s sake.”

MANJIT: It’s called fashion.

IMRAN: All right, we’ve already agreed upon this. You don’t talk about fashion.

ARUN: I know what you mean though, Imran. I have similar thoughts when I attend my office parties. They will serve the meals in the classic buffet style, which is okay, but there won’t be any seats around. I mean after a long day, I just want to sit down comfortably and eat my meal. This whole suave dining system feels like another official exercise. Sophistication is nothing but pretence.

IMRAN: That’s not the worst part though. The worst part is that they serve you fish curry and tandoori chicken and expect you to not use your hands. I mean, how the hell do you eat something with bones with a spoon or a fork?

ARUN: That bugs me even when I have a place to sit down. For instance, they will serve you rice with chicken, and then you start eating with a spoon because you know eating rice with a fork is like holding chullu bhar paani. Of course, then you realise that you need a knife to cut the chicken, which is fine. But lo, you then realise that a spoon is ineffective for holding the chicken pieces while cutting. Therefore, you also need the fork. Now the problem is I have got only two hands. Where do I find the third one?

MANJIT: The one thing that bothers me about dining knives is that they are so blunt. I have to keep slicing and slicing to cut something as soft as a liver piece.

IMRAN: Oh, we know Manjit. When you use cutlery, you make such a racket that people are forced to stare at your ugly face in spite of themselves.

ARUN: Shush guys! Here comes our order.

(The waiter serves the food they had ordered and leaves.)

MANJIT: Oh, this looks delicious. I can’t even pronounce these names. They are Italian, right?

IMRAN: Or something with fake Italian names to make them sound cooler.

(Arun tastes an appetizer)

ARUN: I can see where you are coming from. Yuck! Oh my god, this is just raw cabbage dipped in some tomato sauce.

MANJIT: That’s cabbage? I thought it was some kind of pasta or something!

(Imran starts choking on something)

IMRAN: I’m done with this crap. What the hell is this? This is just a dollop of cream on raw onions. I’m going to order some biryani.

MANJIT: Shut up, Imran! Order some risotto. This is called fine dining.

IMRAN: Fine dining, my ass. Fancy names cannot obscure the fact that I am being served raw veggies. I don’t even eat the cooked veggies. It’s like they have recorded my worst nightmare, and then made me watch the whole thing in a multiplex after paying for deluxe seats and awful popcorn.

ARUN: You know I have similar thoughts when I go to a coffee shop. First they serve you this god awful cappuccino which is so bitter that it can kill all the worms in your gut. Adding extra sugar doesn’t help either, because then the flavour of the coffee gets lost. So basically, I’m paying some 60-70 bucks for a draught of the dead, pretending to enjoy it because it’s supposed to be cool, while in reality I’m only gulping it down because it’s so damn expensive.

MANJIT: Want to go to Shankar’s dhaba and order some tandoori?

BOTH IN UNISON: Hell, yeah!

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50 thoughts on “Clueless Guys Dining

      1. yes indeed,, I prefer to not going to such sophisticated restaurants which give you so less food that much we usually leave in our plates 😉 Here I eat at more moroccon,lebanese ,atleast theur prices are in proportion to quantity they serve and taste much better now to suit my indian tastebuds..

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Arey baba… some hindu god?? jagannath is that fellow who became an English word, hehe. Juggernaut.
        Wait. How funny! Now someone will protest that I have offended their sensibilities and insulted their religion. Look for etymology, dear offended idiots, although I admit, Juggernaut of Puri would sound a little weird. Because of the rath, the chariot that people draw. The drawing of the chariot used to trample so many people/bhakts underneath and thus the word, which means an unstoppable behemoth trampling over everything.
        Bah! never mind.. the pedantic soul stirred for a while there 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I was reading your post before going in for an interview and I am so glad I did! This was hilarious! Lightened the mood instantly 😉 Thank you *bowing*. Where have you been? Long time, no see.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha…very true story. We Indians enter in a continental restaurant and after checking out the menu card get confuse that what to order as it looks like “kala akshar bhais barabar”. Also in such sophisticated restaurant cutting with fork and knife always gives tension that by mistake the piece should not fly away in somebody’s else plate.loll

    And eating with hands is always nice specially with non veg part…dont forget its sunnah 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kala akshar bhais barabar hahaha. Bilkul sahi kaha aapne 😀
      And yes! I know exactly what you mean about food flying off during all that forceful cutting haha.
      Oh and Alhumdulillah. Thank for reminding the religious significance too 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Now I am offended…!!! kala ‘aksar’ bhains barabar… bahi, itna mota bhi nahin hoon.. and worse, even my wife sometimes teases me – mere kallu!!!
        Ha!! some genetic thing… both sides of the family are extremely fair.. and well, it turns out be to be quite the divine justice that I am not… you know.. the black sheep of the family/families.
        (Another go at my old punjabification rant – you know that song kala shahkala..?? stupid idiots mouth it like it is something to do with shah kaala = “emperor black”… idiots!! it means kala, sihaai kaala.. like black ink.. not some Persian Shah.. idiots…)

        Once in a restaurant, sitting with an equally irreverent friend, we were stared at by those “cultured” people who thought it best to inform us via sotto-voce-whispering-among-themselves. ‘How crude!! What are those knives for? It is so embarrassing’ (pronounced in that sing-song.. ‘it ees sooooo embarra-ssssssseeeeeeng!!!! how uncouth!! really, some people have no manners at all’), hearing which my gallant friend immediately pounced upon the knife and startled everyone by screaming, “En guarde, devil” and I picked up my own knife a la D’artagnan and we proceeded to have a merry little duel over the table. After which we stopped and returned the stares we got. I guess they got the message. No one looked at us again. The hotel management breathed a sigh of relief that we were gone probably. Well, we did not go back either. Even the waiters would sniff at us. Wtf? Bring a beer bottle and present it to us?? Are you mad??? It is not bloody wine.. (on which topic a rant some other time. all our impressive little boy lovers slurping it these days, chewing it around as if they are some wine connossieurs and then sipping blasted wine made in Mandya or Sangli district, and pronouncing to their adoring dimwit teenybopper girlfriends that it is a fine vintage.. and the waiter thinks: right!!! I pissed it ten days ago.. makes it vintage alright)..

        Oof.. irascible is not the word tonight. Sorry for this rant, bhai…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m shaking with laughter man hahaha. Looks like itne dino ki bharaas mitaane aa gaye mere blog pe 😀
        But your rant actually made me think of writing something on our love for fair skin. I mean I could understand when there was fair and lovely that the guys used to steal a few dollops from their sisters. But ever since the fair and handsome thing came out, it’s like the guys actually wear it proudly. Shahrukh Khan should be sent to Pakistan for just being in this ad.
        Sometimes I wish I could take some prissy little “cultured” prick for dinner with my friends and actually go nuts with our uncultured ways just to watch the reaction.
        That wine story though hahahaha

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Of course… you must… taking that cultured prick might be the best thing… might be cathartic to a lot of people.
        But you know… that fair and handsome thing got in trouble hahaha.. recently someone got paid in lakhs for the misleading advertisement, some consumer court… i think it was twenty lakhs or something.. hahaha…
        That Retin-A compound that these fairness creams don’t tell you about.. read about them..

        hey, Ershad, sorry if I am a little too irate.. been a long time.. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Oh my gosh… I just read that article again… “psychological hardship”??? what is this? the United States and its tort laws????? hahahaha… this article is too funny.. and what the bloody hell does Amity have to do with the bloody case?? I just googled it and found this gem… hope you laugh and laugh (Keel you and keel you and keel you until you die of eet)

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Hahahaha, this article says the same thing I had hoped.
        “contrary to its advertised claim that its cream Fair and Handsome will lighten the skin tone of its consumer within four weeks, there was no change in Jain’s skin tone”
        I think I died here hahaha.
        Thanks for this gem man.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Emami even unsuccessfully argued in court that he had not followed instructions and therefore it did not work etc.. Ha!

        how sad though…. no more ads like that?? I am devastated… but er.. wait.. I don’t have TV at home. so how should that matter… too bad for the rest of the country though… how can they pity themselves now for being dark..? or not being successful enough because they are not fair skinned? oh my gosh.. a socio-cultural disaster, when we are not reminded that we are darkies…

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Oh I am sure someone will come up with something. Perhaps Idea will come up with “get fairness from Idea network mobiles because you will get bright ideas.” They are really good at making the Bachchan prick prance around in their nonsensical ads. Those IIN ads are probably the most obnoxious things on TV.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. bacchan prick??? shhh.. the rumour is, it is anything but that… in other words, the grandfather is the father etc hehehe…
        Ok, that is a little too much I suppose.. but hey, is it any wonder that the world is wondering??

        Now, may I be sent to Pakistan for that bit of blasphemy…??

        Liked by 1 person

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