No, I mean it. Let’s talk about cows.
Why? I’ll tell you why.
I hate these things. I mean I don’t hate them as in “hate” them. But I can’t stand them. Does that make sense? No?
Well let me explain then.
Ever since I moved to Numaligarh, I’ve noticed cows. To be precise, I’ve noticed how they have a propensity to always be in the middle of the roads. Yes, it’s a common sight in most parts of India. However, here, their frequency is almost like one every fifteen feet. And for some reason, I can’t recall ever seeing them grazing on the fields adjoining the roads. Sometimes I wonder if they eat asphalt or something. Maybe, that’s why they keep chewing continuously because asphalt is, well…hard, I guess. Perhaps, that’s how they lost their upper set of teeth. It’s like the old adage: “Keep chewing asphalt and your teeth will fall off.”
They have started annoying me even more ever since I got my car. I like driving, and I like driving fast. What I don’t like is shifting down to the second gear every thirty seconds just because some fat cow feels indecisive about crossing the road before taking a dump or doing it before crossing the road. To make matters worse, they give you this smug look while you’re honking as if to say, “Hey buddy, could you not do that? I’m taking a shit. ” Yeah, I can see that, and don’t call me buddy. I’m not your fricking buddy!
As for the young ones, they are unpredictable as hell. They’ll wait by the sides until you feel relaxed that you have crossed them. Then suddenly they’ll say, “Hey buddy, let’s test your driving skills,” and jump right in front of you chasing their tails or trying to tap dance. As you curse and pray to God while trying to avoid them, you realise cows don’t talk. They just moo. So, you begin to question your sanity. You wonder if it’s the cow inside you that’s talking. Uh, I fear I’m digressing. Sorry. Back to my rant then.
Basically, cows have this hidden agenda to ruin your day. Or I guess, they have a grudge against me. I mean, I can feel their evil stares whenever I’m too close to them. Why else would they start peeing and splashing it all around when I’m about to walk past them? In case the piss misses my shoes, they’ll try to swing their filthy tails and slap my butt. Even the bulls hate me. If I’m alone they’ll try to charge at me to kill me. If my family is with me, they’ll charge at the nearest cow trying to get some happy time just so that I can die from embarrassment.
Oh well, I think I’ve gone too far. Nevertheless, I feel somewhat better now. I wish cows could read. Better yet, I wish I could teach a cow to read, for the sole purpose of making it read this rant and the countless vitriolic journal entries I’ve written. Alas, I’ll have to make do with some milk and beef kabab. Hahaha.
Sigh, I need a life.