Rants galore

Let’s talk about dogs

Okay, before I start this rant, I would like to state a disclaimer: I like pets.

 I love cats, and have a soft spot for rabbits. However, I hate dogs; but not because I have a hatred for the dog species. It’s just that they scare me (Yes, even the supposedly cute and cuddly ones). In the words of the great Chandler Bing: “They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can’t tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit. “

So, with that out of the way, let’s crack on.

I have a new problem in life. I can’t stand my neighbourhood pet owners. To be precise, I can’t stand dog owners. Notwithstanding my latent hatred for dogs, it is the behaviour of the owners which bugs me. To the untrained eye, dog owners seem like normal people. They do normal people stuff like waking up, brushing their teeth, taking a dump, and cleaning dog poop (Okay, maybe not that normal). Don’t be fooled though! This is just a facade. These are the most annoying people on earth. I’ll list a bunch of idiosyncrasies common to dog owners.

First, when you meet a dog owner, you will notice that small talk only lasts for about two minutes before the topic of conversation turns to the dog. Just to give you an example, this is the conversation I had with my neighbourhood dog owner the other day:

(After two minutes of small talk)

Me: Hey, Mr Dog Owner, can I ask you for a favour?

Mr Dog Owner: Yeah, sure, anything! You see my dog loves to run to me when I get home from work. And he is so sad when I have to leave him alone…

Me: Uhh…

Mr Dog Owner: …I’ve bought him a bone that’s shaped like me. It has a built-in app that can record my voice and…

Me: Umm…

Mr Dog Owner: …For some reason, he hates biryani; even the Hyderabadi biryani. So I feed him toilet paper…

I don’t suppose the conversation went exactly like that, but I think you get the gist. Talk about politics, and he will reply how the other local dogs being basic bitches were conspiring against his dog. Speak about economics, and he will lecture you on Pedigree inflation. Talk about your mother, and he will talk about dog birth videos. The point is that irrespective of the issue being discussed, the dog owner will always find a way to talk about his dog.

Secondly, when the dogs are apprehensive of strangers (Me, in this case), the dog owner will make baby noises and call the dog all sorts of puke-inducing names including baba and beta. Ostensibly, this calms the mongrel down, although I’m yet to see proof. In practice, the crazy canine keeps barking louder and louder till you are unable to hear the owner’s pathetic swooning (Which is not a bad thing).

However, what really gets my goat is the following statement:

Mr Dog Owner: Beta, no. Don’t do this. Uncle is really nice.

Me (thinking): What the F did you call me? Uncle? Did you just tell the effing dog to call me Uncle? Look buddy, I don’t care if the dog is your son or your grandmother’s ex-husband, but don’t you dare club me with the filthy, mangy curs. Hell, I’ll even beat your “human” son if that punk calls me uncle. Have you even looked in the mirror? You are old! I’m not! Exclamation! Avada Kedavra! Exclamation!

Me (actually saying): Oh, yeah. Really nice. Come here, poochie poochie.

Seriously, dog owners don’t understand that it’s not cool to call me or anyone Uncle. The dog probably has an uncle he loves and holds in high regard. He does not need another. By the way, the reason Satan keeps barking is probably that they always tie him up and take him on their stupid, slow walks that don’t do their or his health any good.

Which brings me to my final point: dog owners seem to have nothing else to do than walking their dogs. Of course, that’s not a bad thing. Walking is a great exercise. What’s wrong is that the dogs always seem reluctant to walk. It’s like the owners force the hapless creatures to not enjoy their natural laziness. The sight of a woman trying to play tug of war with her monstrous, killing machine of a dog who only wants to sleep on the footpath is not uncommon. Alternately, I often spot one of my neighbours – who is six feet and weighs about a hundred kilos – dragging his poor little pug on his evening walks. Just the difference in sizes of the two beasts is enough to file a case for animal cruelty. For every single step of my neighbour, the poor dog is forced to take eight tiny, rapid steps to keep up.

Whether these owners are the exceptions to the rule, or represent the larger community, I may never know. What I do know is that they are the last persons you should invite to a party. Trust me, they are not fun. The three examples I have mentioned only scrape the surface of their un-coolness. There are innumerable Facebook posts with close-ups of the dogs with captions on “how they didn’t choose the dog life and the dog life chose them.” There are WhatApp statuses updating every single walk with the dog, and blog posts on the latest dog shampoo in town. The list is endless.

So, dear readers, stay safe and believe in the saying, “Never mind the dog. Beware of owner!”

 Note to Dog Owner: If you are a dog owner and a pedant, you will notice that I used the word “dog” 43 times and the word “owner” 23 times. I also used a misleading title. Go ahead, sue me!

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15 thoughts on “Let’s talk about dogs

  1. Ok, you are sued.. for real ….
    I have had dogs, cats, rabbits too, snakes, birds of all kinds, all kinds of raptors, all kinds of fish.. in fact, just about anything you can think of.. I don’t always talk of them 😀
    Oh, come on, those dog owners you are talking about are not dog lovers at all, trust me.. I get the same feeling of disgust when they talk rubbish about how they bring Royal Kanin for their pets which cost more than their monthly expense on their own food.. and so on.. nope, not for me.. the dog eats what I eat..
    (Heavens, they brush the dogs’ teeth and then wail about how the teeth seem to be falling off.. well, er… they are dogs.. if you give them bones to chew, you wouldn’t need to brush their teeth… or do anything else, for that matter… )..
    I don’t take my dogs out for walks.. for a simple reason, if they want to go out, I open the door…. and then they come to my window and whine to be let in.. No sir, not me.. I can’t walk.. so how can I take a dog for a “walk”… dang..

    I agree with all of your points.. but hey, I am a dog owner too.. so you are sued 😀

    Trust me, every time a human being says he/she is an animal lover, I switch off.. or has a cat/dog/iguana/rabbit!!/snake/crocodile/wallaby/sea-urchin/earthworm/african ant/armadillo and sundry other pets, I want to thank my creator for giving me a short attention span and an extremely long tongue that then takes the subject towards an NRI PM and then all discussions shut down.. and hey, I have still managed to offend them without dissing their pets haha.. You should have done the same.. you could have said “I hate your bloody pets.. let us talk about sewage treatment plants instead, they are fascinating”… and every time someone asks me what “breed” I have, they are expecting to be triumphant and tell me they have a better breed.. so I just tell them “Breed? Half breed, like me.. mongrels, street dogs.. I pick them off the er.. street!!” And that is much more effective in shutting them up with their Shitzus, Lhasa Apsos, their exotic shepherds and their pugs.. speechless, if they can’t compare the relative merits of their dogs with my mongrels 😀 Even better.. oh that, that is Lisa, she is a jackal actually, she is not a dog.. that was a good show-stopper in Lisa’s times.. hahaha..

    Anyway, great post, but you still remain sued 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment made me laugh out loud (Yes, I didn’t abbreviate. That means actual laughing). 😀 Oh, and you and I should get together to talk about sewage treatment plants. I love that shit (pun unintended) 😀

      But then, you own a dog. So we can never really be friends. I’ll see you in court then. 😛

      Liked by 2 people

      1. arrghh… what I was hoping for was that I could inveigle you into coming over here to meet me, settle things out of court and then have Zara take a bloody good chunk of your er.. gluteus maximus.. and then see how you like THAT shit!!!

        Haha, just kidding, Ershad.. just kidding.. nice post, man..

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Lol, a good post ,I love dogs but I am not an owner, I agree most of dog owners get obsessed with their dogs and love them like their kids, somtime it could seem irritating to others but at the end he loves his dog so much! and they are lovely creatures! Love the humor in the post and wit used ..

    Liked by 1 person

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