Rants galore

Let’s talk about cows

sulphurman

No, I mean it. Let’s talk about cows.

Why? I’ll tell you why.

I hate these things. I mean I don’t hate them as in “hate” them. But I can’t stand them. Does that make sense? No?

Well let me explain then.

Ever since I moved to Numaligarh, I’ve noticed cows. To be precise, I’ve noticed how they have a propensity to always be in the middle of the roads. Yes, it’s a common sight in most parts of India. However, here, their frequency is almost like one every fifteen feet. And for some reason, I can’t recall ever seeing them grazing on the fields adjoining the roads. Sometimes I wonder if they eat asphalt or something. Maybe, that’s why they keep chewing continuously because asphalt is, well…hard, I guess. Perhaps, that’s how they lost their upper set of teeth. It’s like the old adage: “Keep chewing asphalt and your teeth will fall off.”

They have started annoying me even more ever since I got my car. I like driving, and I like driving fast. What I don’t like is shifting down to the second gear every thirty seconds just because  some fat cow feels indecisive about crossing the road before taking a dump or doing it before crossing the road. To make matters worse, they give you this smug look while you’re honking as if to say, “Hey buddy, could you not do that? I’m taking a shit. ” Yeah, I can see that, and don’t call me buddy. I’m not your fricking buddy!

As for the young ones, they are unpredictable as hell. They’ll wait by the sides until you feel relaxed that you have crossed them. Then suddenly they’ll say, “Hey buddy, let’s test your driving skills,” and jump right in front of you chasing their tails or trying to tap dance. As you curse and pray to God while trying to avoid them, you realise cows don’t talk. They just moo. So, you begin to question your sanity. You wonder if it’s the cow inside you that’s talking. Uh, I fear I’m digressing. Sorry. Back to my rant then.

Basically, cows have this hidden agenda to ruin your day. Or I guess, they have a grudge against me. I mean, I can feel their evil stares whenever I’m too close to them. Why else would they start peeing and splashing it all around when I’m about to walk past them? In case the piss misses my shoes, they’ll try to swing their filthy tails and slap my butt. Even the bulls hate me. If I’m alone they’ll try to charge at me to kill me. If my family is with me, they’ll charge at the nearest cow trying to get some happy time just so that I can die from embarrassment.

Oh well, I think I’ve gone too far. Nevertheless, I feel somewhat better now. I wish cows could read. Better yet, I wish I could teach a cow to read, for the sole purpose of making it read this rant and the countless vitriolic journal entries I’ve written. Alas, I’ll have to make do with some milk and beef kabab. Hahaha.

Sigh, I need a life.

Published by sulphurman

I wish I had a cool job like a dragon-tamer. But I don't. So, I have to be content with being a chemical engineer.

19 thoughts on “Let’s talk about cows”

  1. Your irritation is so funny! You’re pretty observant towards cows too.
    And if I was religiously intolerant or as they call it these days, a devout Hindu, the post could have had a significantly different meaning! There’s too much of cow and meat news in the Indian papers these days! I can’t help drawing the analogy 😉

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    Reply

    1. Thank you. Live in Assam for a few days, you’ll become my female version. Just too many cows.

      And I know what you mean. But I believe whatever is happening are isolated incidents. Most people (except the media and some fringe right-wing propagandists) are disgusted by these things

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      1. But the worrisome point is that the disgusted majority doesn’t want to take down the disgusting minority. ISIS, an extreme analogy, is a minority which is creating the next global crisis. And by the state of our papers, we couldn’t be more bothered about beef eating and cows and ridiculous bans.

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      2. You are right.
        I think it was Plato who said, “The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men.”

        We are the moaners of this generation. We have nothing to show in terms of action. We are indifferent to everything.

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      3. However much I wish to disagree, I can’t. I have hundreds of things I want to do, but they all just remain in the mind. No matter, how much I want to believe that I’m better than the person next in line because I care, I’m not. Because I’ve done nothing to show that I care. Too much ranting. I’ll shut up.

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      4. Hah, at least you are ranting. At least you are speaking out against whatever wrongs are happening. That is not inaction, my friend.
        What’s inaction is that we are not bothered that hundreds of animals including humans are killed in road accidents every day and we still do nothing. What’s inaction is if a girl is molested in public view, we’d rather film the thing on our mobiles rather than do something about it.

        I could go on and it would become tiresome.

        Keep writing Adi. The pen is mightier than the sword, they say. You never know your one sentence can change the perception of someone for good.

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      5. I have always been shouting to whoever would listen, that the persons who are filming while someone gets beaten up or is molested, are not actually reporting a crime but are also guilty of the crime! I mean you can call the police, ambulance, draw a crowd, scare the attackers off, get a mob together – but no. You film. On your smart phone. Not such a smart move.
        But anyways, who’s really interested in thinking. We, the ones with brains on this planet, are often too tired to think. We just follow the trends. We’re a shame.
        Let’s get our act together, Ershad, and discuss the latest celeb divorce or the Indrani case.

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      6. Trust me. There are people who listen. For instance, have you checked the series of posts by Humans of New York on Pakistan? For a long time, I thought it was a lawless place where people die all the time (Hello, Indian media). But that series showed how beautiful that part of the world is. How people struggle with the same problems like us. And it changed my perspective regarding Pakistan. So, you never know.

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      7. I can’t believe you’re mentioning HoNY! It’s my absolute favorite page on Facebook. That’s one of the few reasons I log in to Facebook.
        Have you seen the refugee series? I thank my stars each day that I’m living in a place where I have a safety of my being if nothing else.

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      9. Every time I go on a photowalk, I think of Brandon and click candid people pictures. Some day I’ll also have the courage to go up to them and ask for their stories.

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